


What if

by UnholyDarkness



Series: Wright to release [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, author is in a bad place, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 19:27:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20051308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnholyDarkness/pseuds/UnholyDarkness
Summary: after everything that happened Stiles is feeling lost and like a burden to the the ones he loves.





	What if

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t let your depression get the better of you. It’s laughable to say that because I let it get to me all the time. I think that no one really wants me around and it wouldn’t matter if I’m gone but that’s not the truth. People do care about you, even if you don’t believe it. Don’t struggle alone. There’s always someone who will listen. You are stronger then you think and I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you have to fight through demons to get there. You are safe and you are loved. Don’t give up hope.

He wonders if they could tell. Could they smell it on him? Did giving up on living have a smell? He supposed not. Maybe the lack of happiness or energy could be sensed. The pack always seemed to know before when one of them was feeling down, so why couldn’t they now?

Isaac and Scott stand in the kitchen, picking at the tray of vegetables and occasionally dipping them in the accompanying ranch dressing. Kira, Lydia and Liam stand by the Christmas tree, decorating it as a light, seasonal song drifts from the television. Looking over to the bathroom seen even from his position on the couch shows Derek, beautiful, caring, smiling Derek, washing his hands and drying them on a hung up towel. 

Derek flips the light switch off as he steps out, eyes tracking his entire pack with a sickly sweet smile, eyes stopping on Stiles.

“Hey, you having fun?” Derek asks as he settles down on the couch next to the boy, arm immediately curling around his shoulders. 

Stiles leans into it shamelessly. Who knew how many more chances he’d have to be this close to Derek. 

“It’s fine. I didn’t sleep well last night is all.” Stiles brushes off Derek’s nonbelieving look and stands up, laying his hand out, “care for a dance?”

Derek lets out a chuckle and takes Stiles’ hand, pulling him close and swaying slowly, even though the current song was fast pace. 

Derek takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, “I never thought I would have this.” He says quietly.

“I know. You say it every day.”

Derek opens his eyes again and looks deeply into Stiles’, then leans forward to brush their noses together softly. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Derek.”

Stiles gets home to an empty house, his father off at work. Everything seems so normal. The hall light is on, like it usually was, and the radio on the entry hall table is playing some random Christmas station. His father usually left it on because he thought the house was too quiet. 

Sighing, Stiles toes off his shoes and makes his way up the stairs and to the bathroom. He leans heavily on the sink looking deep into his own eyes. 

He was so ungrateful. Here he was, about to do something huge after leaving his closest friends and his boyfriend. They love him, he knew they did, but it wasn’t enough anymore. His past mistakes ate at him as the days wore on. He’d hurt people, put the ones he loves in danger. He didn’t deserve to live.

His eyes flicked over to the razor sitting innocently in its holder. It was a crazy concept that one measly sharp piece of metal could end a persons life, but it was almost poetic. Sure, it wasn’t quite the sword to the stomach but it would do the trick. Help him atone for the person he murdered.

Stiles takes the razor and gets in the bathtub. He wonders if he should write a note but doesn’t know what he’d say. Sorry? That he loves them and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own? 

He knew that it wouldn’t matter what he said. Killing himself would hurt them wether they thought it was their fault or not. 

And poor Derek. He finally got the family he’d always wanted and here Stiles was, getting ready to destroy it. Yet another reason he didn’t deserve to be alive. Because that’s all he’d do. Hurt the ones he loved. It’s not like he does it on purpose but it happens. He can’t control it.

He knows that at some point he’ll hurt Derek in a way that will leave no room for forgiveness. Derek, who smiles brighter then the sun nowadays will get broken, worn down and crushed by Stiles and his insecurities eventually. When he asks Derek why he loves him and why he’d want to be with him, apologizing moments later when he sees the heart break in Derek’s beautiful eyes. He can’t help but ask regularly if Derek still wants to be with him even though he knows it upsets Derek every time. 

Using a screw driver he pries the razor appart, not even flinching when the blade nicks his finger tip. He lets the plastic fall to his lap, pinching the blade between his fingers as he looks down at his bare wrist. 

How easy would this be? Putting the edge against his pale skin and slicing? Will it hurt as much as he thinks it will or will the Adrenalin thumping through his body mask most of the pain? 

He wonders who will find him and how they will react. It would probably be his father, coming home from a long shift, tired and he’d walk in to check on Stiles, make sure he safe only to find him in the tub, cut open and pale.

It breaks Stiles’ heart when he feels nothing toward that thought. God, he really is a horrible person. 

The blade is on his skin now, lightly pressing as he mulls over the idea. He knows it has to be deep, he knows he needs to be quick or he’ll have second thoughts and try to stop the bleeding. 

His mind is screaming at him to stop. Chemicals shooting at the intention of self harm. But he has to do it. Even if things feel good now they won’t always be.

His father has to worry about him every day because Stiles gets himself into dangerous situations. His health isn’t that great and it would be easier for him to take care of himself if Stiles wasn’t around always getting in the way. 

And Scott, Jesus, poor Scott who has to see the face of his girlfriends murderer nearly every day. Stiles knows that Scott has tried to forgive him but some days he can tell that Scott can’t stop thinking about it. Thinking about watching the sword stab into her stomach, knowing Stiles is the one that caused it. His best friend shouldn’t have to deal with that. 

The blade digs in deeper and it does hurt. It stings and blood wells up quicker then he thought it would. His phone suddenly starts to ring, buzzing annoyingly where it’s in his pocket, pressed against the side of the tub. 

Stiles sighs, lifting the blade and setting it down on the edge of the tub. Pulling out his phone he sees that Derek is calling.

“Hello?”

“Hey, I was just finishing cleaning up and remembered you said your dad was going to be gone most of the night. Can I come over?”

Stiles can hear the sultry tone Derek is presenting and winces. He glances down to where blood is rolling down towards his elbow and dripping onto his pants. 

“I don’t know if now is a good time.”

“Are you sure? I saw that movie you wanted to watch was just uploaded, I figured we could watch it.” 

Stiles can hear water running and dishes clinking lightly together over the phone. He pictures Derek having not called, high on life as he cleans up after his messy pack, surrounded by Christmas cheer completely unaware that Stiles is at home, giving up. 

“Sure, okay. Give me an hour to shower and then you can head over.”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

Stiles hangs up and places the phone on the edge of the tub, sighing. “Another day.” He says ironically to the inanimate blade. 

After a quick shower he gets dressed in pajamas and wraps his wrist just in time for Derek to knock at the front door.

He greets Derek with a kiss and after grabbing some snacks they head to the living room to watch the movie.

“Something smells weird.” Derek says about half way through, “like blood.”

“Oh, I was cutting up some chicken for tomorrow’s dinner and cut myself.” Stiles answers smoothly. 

“Are you okay?” Derek picks up his arm and smells his wrist over his long sleeve.

“Yeah, nothing but a nick. I’ll be alright.”

**Author's Note:**

> I might post more to this collection eventually, continuing from this same plot line. 
> 
> If you are feeling down please feel free to comment. I’m here for you even if we are strangers. No one should feel alone.


End file.
